Nice Guys Are Beaten First

My friend Dan, knowing I'm a Hulk fan, sent me this hilarious list today. It compiles all of the 117 horrible things that happened to David Banner (played by Bill Bixby) to cause a Hulk transformation in the Incredible Hulk television show.

The list is amusing for several reasons. First of all, Bill Bixby played David as the most genial, pleasant, mild and intelligent man you could ever hope to meet. The poor guy traveled from town to town, just looking for an odd job to support his quest for a cure. He was quick with a smile and always willing to help. He had an almost Zen-like quality to him. And what did he get for his trouble? Well, let's go to the list.

#5: Being hit over the head repeatedly with a metal object
#10: Being placed in a car compactor.
#57: Being pushed out of a plane at 30,000 feet by a mean guy who yells “You’re gonna land a lot sooner than the rest of us!”

Obviously, he was mistreated. But he also seemed to have a lot of really very unfortunate accidents.

#17: Receiving a lethal injection, and then having the person say, "Oh. I just gave you a lethal injection. Sorry, David."
#48: Helping Ray Walston out with a magic trick by allowing himself to be chained up and put in a tank of water, only to find that drunk Ray has forgotten to leave the escape key inside the tank
#92: Being trapped in the middle of a forest fire so that burning branches keep falling on him and setting him on fire, and a giant, burning tree falls directly on him as the last straw

The best transformation starters are those that seem so "everyday". No violence, no horrible accident.

#1: Problems with flat tire
#20: Dealing with a pesky operator in a phone booth ("I DON'T HAVE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS!!!")
#24: Being tied up and fed soup by an elderly Japanese woman who doesn't understand words like "You've GOT to cut me loose!"

Reminiscing about this show and how instrumental it was in the development of my 7 year-old brain, I'm struck by a couple of observations. First, what kind of horrendously bleak outlook on the world do you have to have to dream up situations (2 per episode) in which the nicest man in the world is horribly beaten? And what affect does this have on young minds? I probably thought it was a miracle each day that I was able to walk across the street to school without a steam pipe rupturing and melting my face off or a telephone pole falling on me.

Finally, I was never able to understand why David Banner didn't ever consider his affliction an asset. I'm confident that every young boy that watched the show had Hulk transformation fantasies. When are you more helpless than when you are a small child? The idea that justice could be served so immediately and powerfully was an attractive one.