Nice Guys Are Beaten First

My friend Dan, knowing I'm a Hulk fan, sent me this hilarious list today. It compiles all of the 117 horrible things that happened to David Banner (played by Bill Bixby) to cause a Hulk transformation in the Incredible Hulk television show.

The list is amusing for several reasons. First of all, Bill Bixby played David as the most genial, pleasant, mild and intelligent man you could ever hope to meet. The poor guy traveled from town to town, just looking for an odd job to support his quest for a cure. He was quick with a smile and always willing to help. He had an almost Zen-like quality to him. And what did he get for his trouble? Well, let's go to the list.

#5: Being hit over the head repeatedly with a metal object
#10: Being placed in a car compactor.
#57: Being pushed out of a plane at 30,000 feet by a mean guy who yells “You’re gonna land a lot sooner than the rest of us!”

Obviously, he was mistreated. But he also seemed to have a lot of really very unfortunate accidents.

#17: Receiving a lethal injection, and then having the person say, "Oh. I just gave you a lethal injection. Sorry, David."
#48: Helping Ray Walston out with a magic trick by allowing himself to be chained up and put in a tank of water, only to find that drunk Ray has forgotten to leave the escape key inside the tank
#92: Being trapped in the middle of a forest fire so that burning branches keep falling on him and setting him on fire, and a giant, burning tree falls directly on him as the last straw

The best transformation starters are those that seem so "everyday". No violence, no horrible accident.

#1: Problems with flat tire
#20: Dealing with a pesky operator in a phone booth ("I DON'T HAVE TWENTY-FIVE CENTS!!!")
#24: Being tied up and fed soup by an elderly Japanese woman who doesn't understand words like "You've GOT to cut me loose!"

Reminiscing about this show and how instrumental it was in the development of my 7 year-old brain, I'm struck by a couple of observations. First, what kind of horrendously bleak outlook on the world do you have to have to dream up situations (2 per episode) in which the nicest man in the world is horribly beaten? And what affect does this have on young minds? I probably thought it was a miracle each day that I was able to walk across the street to school without a steam pipe rupturing and melting my face off or a telephone pole falling on me.

Finally, I was never able to understand why David Banner didn't ever consider his affliction an asset. I'm confident that every young boy that watched the show had Hulk transformation fantasies. When are you more helpless than when you are a small child? The idea that justice could be served so immediately and powerfully was an attractive one.

Least Tempting Spam Ever

In one of my email accounts, I receive an enormous amount of spam. Many of these are for "male enhancement drugs" and Viagra. They often have subject lines that promise great things for those who use their products. Things like "She'll scream your name" and "Be a hero in the bedroom with...". Recently, I received a piece of spam with a really puzzling subject line:

"Beat her womb with Viagra!"

Beat her womb? Who does this appeal to? Is there some militant group of angry, sadistic OB/GYNs out there that these spammers are trying to reach?

Ramdong

I'm a very fast typist, but I have terrible accuracy. This is less of a hindrance than it should be, thanks to all of the helpful spell check software that we have available to us these days (Firefox will even correct spelling in their browser now).

In my haste, "the" often ends up as "teh" and spaces between words can't be depended on with any sort of consistency. This is mostly annoying, but once in a while a typo will change the meaning of a sentence and serendipitious hilarity will ensue.

My coworkers and I have witnessed a few of these instances in corporate America. Once, an administrative assistant, in an attempt to direct us to the treat table, sent out a department-wide email asking people to visit the "teat table". Another time, an employee, while trying to complain that she was receiving too many messages from a manager, complained that she was "getting lots of massages from Bill."

When you live in a gray cube all day, this stuff could not be more entertaining.

I'm telling this story, because I almost committed this crime in an email about 30 minutes ago, and I'm still giggling like a 12 year old boy.

The phrase I intended to write: "Great random communication."

What I actually wrote: "Great ramdong communication."

Gone Gone Gone

The "Raising Sand" album by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss was a pleasant surprise last year. I did an unusual thing with that album and bought it solely on the strength of the reviews. I'm not normally one to buy a CD sound-unheard, but the combination of those two musicians was intriguing.

The CD is mostly very mellow, and it took some time to develop an appreciation. It's worth the effort. I have a theory that the faster you develop an affection for a song, the shorter that affection will last.

My favorite song on the album is an Everly Brothers cover called "Gone Gone Gone (Done Moved On)". It's got a very catchy melody and nice harmonies and is just a fun song in general (Rolling Stone is not knocking down my door to write reviews). My girls (ages 7 and 5.9) sing this song when they are riding in the car with me. However, they get some of the words wrong and refuse to be corrected. I guess their version makes more sense to them.

A few days ago, I happened to have VH1 on (I'm old) and was surprised to see a video. It's pure cheese, but infectiously fun. Check it out.

Rock Stars

I saw Velvet Revolver last night at the Val Air Ballroom in Des Moines. If you're not familiar with Velvet Revolver, they are the [warning: trendy buzzword coming] "supergroup" formed by Slash, Duff, and Matt Sorum from Guns and Roses along with singer Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots. The Val Air is a great place to see a band like this. It's essentially a giant, open room that allows you to get as close to the band as your elbows and tenacity will allow. The upside is that you really feel like you're part of the show. The downside is that you are almost guaranteed to end up with someone's beer on your person.

I've been a long time Stone Temple Pilots fan, but this was the first time I've ever seen Scott Weiland perform in person. He was mesmerizing...all over the stage, up on the risers, gyrating in that Scott way of his. It was immediately apparent that he is a true rock star. I know that seems obvious...but I mean he's a REAL rock star. In my mind, there's a slippery and slightly intangible distinction between a rock performer and rock star. A performer is someone who gets up on stage and plays a gig...it could even be an amazing gig...but they are also someone who could get a regular job and blend into society if their music career tanks.

However, a rock star is from another planet. Someone who breathes in oxygen and breathes out rock and roll. Someone who was born looking like they belong on the cover of Rolling Stone. Rock stars have bet their entire lives on making music. It's a do or die situation for them. If their music career doesn't take off, they will end up dead or in a homeless shelter. I've been to dozens of concerts, but I would say that the only two rock stars I've seen are Steven Tyler and Scott Weiland.

Chris Robinson of the Black Crowes was close, I'll admit. In fact, the last time I saw him perform he managed to provide a very rock star quote. The show was plagued with technical problems and the show had to take a 30 minute break in the middle of the set to deal with speaker issues. At the end of the show Chris said, "Thanks for coming the show. If you have any complaints, send all of your nasty emails to whatever the f*** this place is." Good quote.

The Whiteboard as a Social Lens

In my cube at work, my whiteboard has recently become a hub of activity and a social focal point. A few weeks ago, a conversation about television resulted in a challenge to name your top five all time favorite television shows. This is a pretty heavy responsibility. It's hard not to think of shows that you are interested in currently. Hard not to give shows that you love in adulthood more weight than shows you loved in childhood. But really, do the shows you love now actually do more for you than GI Joe did when you were 10? We, as adults, have a natural bias towards adulthood...we love the shows on so many more levels now, right?

But I digress. My list was written...a couple other lists were written. Soon, passers-by were looking at the lists, commenting on them, and adding their own. This was always an interesting experience. Most contributors agonized over their lists, taking a day or two to really piece it together. Frequently, they would write their list with confidence, only to return a day or two later to erase and reposition. As it turns out, you can learn a lot about someone from what they put in their list. Some were dominated by science fiction, others were very literate. A few shows turned up again and again. Soon, we upped the ante and required that each person add a "guilty pleasure" to their list. This was defined as a show that the list maker still loves, but they are slightly ashamed of it. Grown adult professionals were writing "Little House on the Prairie" and "Golden Girls" (mine) on their lists. It was so much fun that some of my coworkers and I were a little sad when the board filled up and we ran out of people to pull into our little pop culture game.

Last week, one of my cube-neighbors came in and erased the board. He announced a new list. Top 5 albums of all time. This is, of course, a much more difficult list to compile. To make it official, we had to lay down some ground rules.

1. No greatest hits albums
2. Live albums are allowed, but are discouraged if they are essentially a collection of hits
3. A guilty pleasure album must be included after your top five, and it must be an album that you would still defend to this day.

So far, we have only 5 people who have been able to whittle their collections down to a firm list of all time bests.

This is my last week in this department, and next week I'll be transferring to a new cube in a new department on a new floor. I think I'll take my whiteboard with me, but continue the top 5 list tradition. You never know what you'll find out.

For the record, my top fives.

Top Five TV Shows of all time:

1. Six Feet Under
2. Lost
3. The Simpsons
4. Big Love
5. The Sopranos
   *Guilty Pleasure: The Golden Girls

Top Five albums of all time:

1. Lindsey Buckingham - "Out of the Cradle"
2. Maynard Ferguson - "Live From San Francisco"
3. Scott Leonard - "1 Man 1 Mike"
4. Aerosmith - "Rocks"
5. Fleetwood Mac - "Tusk"
   *Guilty Pleasure: Oak Ridge Boys - "Fancy Free"

The First Post

Welcome to the inaugural post of Blue Birdland, Matt's blog. I've been kicking around the idea of starting a blog for a while, but this first post is a killer. How do you start a blog? The very notion of a blog is steeped in narcissism, and the whole thing from top to bottom feels like an exercise in ego. Why else would you create a site dedicated to nothing else but the global broadcasting of your thoughts?

Those of you who know me know that I'm a compulsive discloser and an incessant talker. This blog will allow me to communicate with anyone who is interested while providing many of you with a valuable service. Blue Birdland will be a place where I can unload some ridiculous stuff, and you won't have to listen to me drone on and on about these things in person. See? It's a win/win.

It will take me some time to find my own comfort level of just how much I will disclose and who I will share this blog with.

A few logistics: I have no idea what this place will end up looking like, or really even what blogspot is capable of, so the layout and items surrounding the posts will likely change. For now, I've got "Matt's Media Center," a quick look at what I'm reading, listening to, and watching...and a list of sites that I recommend very highly.

Ok. It wasn't pretty. It wasn't eloquent. But dammit, it's done. The first post is out of the way.