Quote of the day

"Any joke that doesn't offend at least a few people is unlikely to be funny." - Michael Kinsley, in an article for Slate.com about Al Franken's senate run.

So true.

Fark Roundup

Fark.com is an incredibly effective time killer. If you've never been, it's essentially a site where users submit links to other sites, and they describe the links with humorous descriptions of their own.

Here are a few links I saw today, with their clever user-submitted headlines.

• BBC News: Henry Winkler visits British school to talk about dyslexia. Because who could be a better spokesman than someone whose catchphrase consisted of one letter?
• AP News: If you're going to kill your wife by poisoning her with antifreeze, be sure that you flush your browser cache and history to eliminate your search terms "ethylene glycol death human"
• Chicago Tribune: Fireworks store burns down. OOOOOH AAAAAH the humanity
• Ninemsn.com: Protesters chain themselves to power station. Some will like it hot and sweat when the heat is on, while some will feel the heat and decide that they can't go on.
• AP Wire: Pentagon unveils new enlistment waiver procedures to make it easier for the military to accept sportos, motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, wasteoids, dweebies, dickheads and of course righteous dudes

Jack Black is Bringing on the Fun

I love Jack Black. I celebrate his entire catalogue. Two years ago, I caught this commercial on our DVR and we played it over and over again. My daughters would sing with it and could also do his little dance. My wife and I were just trying to remember how the song went while driving on a mini-road trip this weekend. God bless you, YouTube.

The Bumbler

I've noticed a common thread that has woven its way through film and television over the past 40 years. I will call it "The Bumbler". For reasons I can't explain, characters continue to pop up that have all of the makings of a great spy or superhero or boss or whatever...but instead they are incessant bumblers.

This has been on my mind lately because of the recent Get Smart movie. The original Get Smart television series is a classic example of the bumbler phenomenon in television. The idea, I assume, is that people will delight at the madcap parody of a James Bond-style secret agent. The seemingly suave spy with the great suit and high-tech gadgets, tripping over his own feet and basically acting ridiculous. You know what I'd rather see? An actual suave spy with the great suit and high-tech gadgets!

I had forgotten about the pervasiveness of the bumbler in children's television until my kids checked out an "Inspector Gadget" tape from the library (itself a spoof or extension of Get Smart). This show brought me endless frustration as a kid. What's the point of spending millions of dollars creating a robotic (half robotic? I can't remember) super agent if he can't use even the most basic of his gadgets? I wanted to see a show about a robotic secret agent that kicked ass, not one that got tangled up in his own go-go gadget legs.

The bumbler crept into every show that had potential to be cool. Apparently some television executive thought that every awesome show for 10 year-olds needed something that the viewer's 3 year old sister could giggle at. Godzilla was the greatest cartoon of all time until "Godzooky" came onto the scene. The Superfriends could survive the addition of the worthless Wonder Twins, but not Gleek.

Don't even get me started on the Greatest American Hero. Oh, please, where do I sign up to watch some curly-haired doofus fly into a billboard once a week? My only solace in this whole mess is that the bumbler never made it into my precious Incredible Hulk television series. I'll bet it wasn't easy. I'm sure there's a script somewhere with a post-it from the top brass that reads, "The scene where the Hulk picks up the car...couldn't he drop it on his toe?"

Pet Peeve #163

I hate when people emphatically exclaim, "Don't even joke!".

Example:

"I wonder what ever became of Joe and Sue?"
"Joe's probably shacked up with some hooker."
"Don't even joke!"

When Logic Defeats Humor

I have a logical personality. Some people that know me well would suggest that I'm too logical. I also love humor, and I will watch a very good stand-up comedy routine over and over again. Normally, my logical side and my humorous side live in perfect harmony. After all, humor requires a certain amount of logic. However, there are times where my logical side rears up and beats the hell out of my humorous side.

Today is a good example of that phenomenon.

One of my irrational pet peeves are those lists that frequently pop up in chain emails and message board that are meant to showcase the "wackiness" of the world we live in. Today I saw one such list and I realized that I can no longer enjoy them, because I expend too much mental energy answering the questions. Not only do I spend time answering them, but my responses grow increasingly impatient and angry.

Examples from the list I saw today:

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Matt: Because "4 billion stars" is completely abstract and unverifiable to most people, while wet paint can be checked with the touch of a finger.


Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Matt: Because a head wound could cause the pilot to crash into the sea or ground instead of his target.


Why do drive-up ATMs have braille?

Matt: Because they are all manufactured the same way. The ATM manufacturer does not know if the ATM will be used in a drive-through or a lobby.


How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

Matt: Um, through very small holes and gaps? Is this really stumping people?


If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Matt: This question is evidence of a fundamental misunderstanding of evolution. A 6th grade biology student would have too much education to find this question puzzling.

What worries me is that I appear to be growing increasingly crotchety and impatient as I get older. I fear that I will ultimately end up a humorless old bastard, randomly shouting at kids to stay off of the lawn.

Am I the only one that hates these ridiculous attempts at "observational" humor?

My Next 10 Tunes

Inspired by this blog post, Dan, Bess, and I have decided to try the "Next 10 Tunes" thing ourselves. Basically, this means that you put your iPod on shuffle, and list out the first 10 tunes you see, with commentary.

While stepping through my songs, I made a vow that I would not skip any song for reason of embarrassment. However, I have about 6500 songs on my iPod, so I did skip a few songs that I didn't know or barely knew. I was surprised when looking at the list that it was so rock-heavy. I wouldn't think of my CD collection as a hard rock collection...but most of these would fall into that category. Here they are:

Ozone Mama - Black Crowes
First up is "Ozone Mama," from the Crowes' Lions album. I have this theory that certain bands are made better by excessive drug use...but it will eventually catch up with them. This album is where it started to catch up to Chris Robinson and crew. The songs are mostly still strong...but they started to lose their melodic uniqueness and become more loose and jam-band oriented. That said, Ozone Mama is a really cool, laid back southern groove. Extra points for harmonica.

Benton Harbor Blues - The Fiery Furnaces
The Fiery Furnaces are weird. I mean, really weird. They (a brother a sister duo, I think) make some of the least mainstream and least accessible music that I've ever heard. However, Benton Harbor Blues is really a very catchy and nice song. I have two of their albums, and this is the only song I could imagine from either album ever making its way onto a radio station. I have only one hangup with the song: The rhythmic keyboard bed of the song sounds just like the little Casio part in the Jimmy Fallon, Horatio Sanz, Tracy Morgan and Chris Kattan Christmas song they used to perform on SNL.

Gel - Collective Soul
Collective Soul is like the Titanic movie. Everyone loved it at the time, but now they pretend they didn't. I'm a bit of a loyalist, though, and I can remember how great this single was. I was in college in Cedar Falls, Iowa, and was struggling to get into the grunge music that was so ubiquitous at the time. Collective Soul was the answer for me, because they were able to combine the fuzzy, crunchy guitar sound of grunge music with hooks and actual melodies.

Waste - Smash Mouth
Before they became "the band with that song from Shrek" and their lead singer took a turn on The Surreal Life, Smash Mouth could really write a song. They carved out this odd retro 60s pop niche for themselves...but then never left it. This is one of the best albums that I never listen to.

Flaming Heart - The Meat Puppets
I can't remember what possessed me to buy a Meat Puppets album in the mid 90s, but I loved this one. What a great mix of hooks and straight-forward pop-rock. However, I've never heard another Meat Puppets record that wasn't full of melody-free songs and out of tune vocals... So was this album a fluke? A product of technology? Maybe some Meat Puppets fan can educate me...

Train Kept a Rollin (unplugged) - Aerosmith
Little known fact: Aerosmith was the first band to appear on MTV Unplugged. They played almost no hits...it was a fan's dream. I have this on a CD bootleg where the artist is declared to be "Aero S. Mith". This old Yardbirds song was a staple of Aerosmith shows in the 70s.

Carbon Monoxide - Cake
Cake gets environmental! I love Cake. I saw them at the Val Air Ballroom in Des Moines a few years ago and it was one of the 3 or 4 best concerts I've ever seen. This catchy little ditty is a rant against carbon monoxide. Best line: "Car after bus after car after truck after this my lungs will be so f***ed up!"

Wiggle Stick - Reverend Horton Heat
My friend John is a huge Rev fan, and I absorbed some of it through osmosis. If you've never heard the Rev, his music is a mixture of rockabilly and punk with a lot of virtuoso guitar thrown in. John and I once went to see the Rev play in Omaha. We hung out by the bus after the show and got to meet him. Quick side story: The Melvins were opening and the crowd was not enthusiastic. Eventually, the crowd started booing and yelling. They finished their set, and the lead singer of the Melvins said to the crowd in a voice dripping with sarcasm, "Have a nice life...in Omaha." and then starts laughing. Great burn.

Fired - Ben Folds
One of the 10 best albums I own. Ranks among the best of Elton John and Billy Joel for piano pop. This song always reminded me of the Alan Parsons project.

Vigilante Man - Joe Perry
A Woody Guthrie remake recorded by Perry on his 2005 solo album. Lots of classic Joe Perry slide guitar. No frills, simple production. Great song.